Finally

So, I am finally feeling inspired enough to write a blog… kinda. This summer has been crazy, not good or bad, just crazy! To start Let me apologize for not blogging or whatever. Not writing down my feelings is bad people shouldn’t bottle up feelings, but I just didn’t have the time. And when I did I really didn’t want to take the time to type.

I had three jobs this summer….three. I wish I could tell you why I did it, but it is too long of an explanation. To shorten it up, it was because I am poor and have no idea how I am going to pay for school. My whole plan to come out of college with less debt isn’t really working. After working three jobs this summer and seeing how it changed my bank account I realize that working at least two (sometimes three…) jobs is going to have to be a regular thing. I really hate being so broke.

My boyfriend and I had the talk, it went fine. I don’t have much to say on that subject because it is confusing.

I have a roommate! Her name is Hannah and she is super amazing! Our personalities mesh super well together and we are both nursing majors. I am super excited for school to start, mostly to get out of the house. I’m still a little unsure how i feel about the whole “school’ aspect of college. I went and spent a couple days at my college to meet some of the incoming freshmen and I am happy to say I made a lot of cool friends. I was super nervous because I only knew one girl who was going there. I think I am really going to enjoy going to a school where everyone doesn’t know the past me. I was a weird kid, now I am not so bad. I’m so happy that people will just know the person I am now and stop trying to make it seem like I am the past me.

I honestly don’t think I will miss Marquette that much. I will miss some of the friends I had and some of the teachers, but looking back all I got from Marquette was a huge plate of disappointment. Sure, I have some good memories there, but I also have a lot of whatever memories. I don’t want whatever memories, I want memories that matter. I want to go to a place where people actually have substance in their personalities. Sadly a lot of the kids at Marquette lacked substance and were all about all the wrong things. And you can’t tell me I am wrong because I am not. Not trying to bag on Marquette, but I speak the truth.

I am very glad I have taken the time to write tonight. It felt really good to get some ideas on paper!

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The End

Tomorrow I am graduating from high school… wow does that feel weird to say! I am so happy that I have finally made it to a place I never thought i would. At the same time I feel like my life is ending. And in a way it is, and I’m getting a new beginning. Either way I feel like I am losing so much and I wasn’t ready. The carpet has been pulled out from under my legs and I am falling…and it is okay, but I am scared of the unknown. for the past 4 years there were so many things I knew I could just count on, and I don’t have that anymore. It kind of makes me want to sit in my room and cry for hours. In fact I am waiting for that to happen.

On the other side getting out of high school is huge! It means I am on the last stretch of school before I finally reach the end goal. Although thinking of the goal makes me question my existence on this planet, because why are we all here? There is so much unknown stuff out there and I am a planner this is all very scary for me…. I don’t know how to cope with these kinds of things. So maybe I will keep blogging I kind of enjoy thinking that someone is out there reading about my feelings. Cause I have lots of them.

The mushy stuff

So here is the thing, I haven’t really blogged about Max because I didn’t want to gross anyone out. Also I was saving this for the end when I ran out of ideas. So instead you get to read about Max and I.

It all started our freshman year of high school. It wasn’t love at first sight, in fact we weren’t really even friends, like ever… Anyways we had American History together all first semester and it wasn’t until the very end when we competed in a game that we really started talking. I won’t explain the game, but basically he cheated because he was super tall and his shadow covered the smart board. At this time I was sort of dating someone so, we were just friends. Second semester began I broke up with the other guy and got super depressed up until I tried out for soccer. 

Max and I saw each other in the hallway all the time second semester and we would flirt casually, but it wasn’t till he started coming to my home soccer games that I really saw him for the first time, like that at least. Anyways he asked me out and our first date was to go see Iron Man 3. Ever since then superheroes have kind of been our thing.

On our second date we went and saw The Great Gatsby and we held hands for the first time. Time progressed and summer came along and we would spend lots of time at six flags. It was there that he kissed me for the first time on the scooby-doo ride. (I blogged about that kiss) at 2 months he took me to the top of the Ferris wheel and told me he loved me for the very first time. Cheesy? Yes, but it was perfect! It was that day that I really let myself think about my future with him. I was young and in love and I thought we could make it.

Time flew by and our moments were treasured. Describing 3 years of amazing with him would take centuries, but most of our relationship was perfect to me. Not like we are perfect, but being with him felt perfect. As we got older and closer to graduating I stopped trying to think about our future and focus on enjoying the right now, just in case. 

We have had the break up talk a couple times. I mean we are going to be 3 hours apart next year, not impossible, but hard. He says that if we do break up it would be due to school. Here is the thing though, through all this time I haven’t gotten sick of him. High school relationships are usually come and go, but we have been going steady for 3 years… That is such a long time. In adult time we would possibly be engaged maybe even married. So why is it that the one person I feel this way with can’t be my happy ever after? Mostly because society says “hey, don’t do that.” And they are right.  I haven’t really lived, I don’t know much about myself, but I know how I feel when I’m with him. 

I’m scared of the future. I’m counting down the days till the end of school, but it feels as if that is only putting a timeline on my relationship. I believe that if we break up and we are meant to be the super sappy couple from high school who gets married, then that will happen. I just don’t think I’m prepared for the alternative. 

I know this sounds cheesy and stupid to some of you, and that is ok. But note that this boy knows everything about me. He knows my flaws, my assets, and my past. He has seen my nerdy side and my dark side and he still loves me for me. And I love him. Why can’t it be that simple?

There is so much more I could write about, but I don’t want to ruin this by making it a novel. A lady from a movie once said “falling in love at your age sucks, especially if it is the real thing” and that is true. But I am so thankful that I got to experience true love. This boy saved me from myself at a young age, and has been my rock all of these years. He loves every part of me that I hate and makes me laugh when I am down. He is my actual knight in shinning armor and I am his Cinderella. 

Bigger Person

I have decided to right all my wrongs and end high school with less drama. Sure there are things I was very angry about and still am, but I’m trying very hard to let them go. Like that guy I yelled at about my 3 year anniversary, I apologized today for being such a bitch. I have 2 weeks left in high school and I really don’t want to spend them so full of anger and hatred. I haven’t had all bad experiences at Marquette. I have had lots of good ones actually. For example this creative writing class has been so amazing. I have had such a great time making new friends and having people around who care about me and how I am doing. And Durham you have been a great teacher! (thumbs up buddy!) It feels so unreal that this is it. 9 days left and then I will be out of high school forever! Where has the time gone? I don’t think I realized just how fast this year has gone by. It all seems a bit unreal to me. I think I am most sad that I am going to be losing so many friends. I mean we can all say we are going to be keeping in touch and all that crap, but I already know who is really going to follow through with that kind of thing. Thank you all for the time you have spent reading my blog if you even have. And for supporting me through this class, but also through my struggles. It means a lot!

Sick again

I am literally sick again. I am 10 days from graduation and I am sick. More like allergy sick but still. I almost never get sick so it is very odd to me that within the past two months I have had the stomach flu, the flu, and now whatever I have. I don’t have a fever so clearly it’s nothing super bad, but I am losing my voice and my nose is clearly trying to run off my face. I know that is gross for some of you but get over it. When I’m sick I also have very vivid dreams, for example last night I had a dream about a power line exploding and Max, my dog, and I had to run away. Like wtf is that! Sorry I guess I’m just venting about how shitty my immune system is right now and I’m super angry about it!

Self esteem again (sorry)

So today I felt really good😊 I have shaved off 13 pounds since the beginning of the semester 😊 I’m actually so ridiculously proud of myself it is crazy and I won’t get to into details but I just feel lots better. None of you may care but this is like a huge thing for me. 13 pounds is small but it is a big step for me. I set a goal for myself to lose 10 pounds, and because I did I’m going to get my belly button pierced as a reward! Not until the end of summer but still. I have arranged an reward system for myself and have set a new goal, and I really believe I can do it! I got myself a gym membership, and am trying to eat really healthy. I am on the right path to recovery and I haven’t felt so good about myself in years. Sure, I’m still a very self destructive, stressed, and insecure girl, but today I was amazing. There isn’t anyone who could tell me otherwise.

Satire Assignment (maybe too much)

So I have finally written my satire and I like it, but it might be a little much. So I’m going to blog it, but please do not get offended, upset, or distraught. I just kind f let stuff happen and it is about a pretty serious topic. So don’t yell at me or anything….

“Stop!” the cop yelled towards the boy who had his hands full with a duffle bag.

The squealing of the bank’s alarm system rang in the air as I watched Officer Cody, one of the many black officers, chase him down.

Our town was simple,or at least that is what I thought until I was old enough to know better. We were a community that claimed we were all equal, but I knew the truth. We were far from equal. Years after slavery was abolished, people were still treating whites and blacks different. When White History Month came around it was probably the hardest on the population because the black people pretended to get along with the white people. Behind closed doors we were a country divided, with the white getting the short end of the stick.

I grew up with a white father and a black mother, and no matter what I did, I didn’t fit in with either group. I went to the mostly black schools when I was younger so I had it good, until I went and visited my Dad’s side of the family. They were very nice white people who just wanted to see their niece and my mother’s family hated them. Not directly, but the discrimination shone through their eyes. Needless to say we didn’t see my dad’s family very often.

Officer Cody raced ahead finally cornering the white boy in a corner. I recognized the white boy as a kid from my class. Thomas was his name, he had dropped out of school to help his mother financially with all of her other kids. As he cowered in the corner he reached in his pocket and pulled out a gun.

“Set the gun down kid,” Officer Cody said slowly pulling out his own gun and keeping it lowered, as if that made the metal object less threatening. Thomas looked steadily at Officer Cody and raised his gun, but then turned his head away, like he was afraid of the mess something so small could do. At the same time an earth shattering noises sounded  through the alley. A look of pure shock crossed the Thomas’s face as he looked down to see a red flower blooming on his shirt. Several shots quickly fired after that, making sure that the deed was done I suppose. Gravity took over lowering Thomas’s body to the ground, his eyes still open in shock as the light left them. Officer Cody ran to to Thomas’s side and kicked away his gun, then checked for a pulse.

“I need an ambulance in Moon Alley. I have a white male down,” Officer Cody said into his mike. The mike made a screeching sound as someone responded to the distress call. Sirens screamed in the distance inching their way closer to the bloody scene where a harmless white male lay lifeless, and a black man kneeled next to him.

“I’m so sorry,” Officer Cody whispered to Thomas, “I had to do it.” His voice broke at the end and he gently lifted his hand and closed Thomas’s eyes. Thomas looked more like he was sleeping, not dead. And with this one incident the community was torn apart, and was never quite the same again.

May contain language

So today during lunch this boy ( calling him drew) decided it was okay to tell me my anniversary didn’t matter. Mind you my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years! 3 flipping years of my life I have been with this boy, and someone has the nerve to tell me that it isn’t important. No! Fuck that! My anniversary is super important! I don’t care what anyone else says. But Drew was suppose to be my friend, and this bitch literally talked shit on me in front of my face! Who does that!?!? I know that it seems stupid to get so upset over something so small, but I am so angry! And very sad that is so not ok to say to me. Whatever I hate this kid and I needed to vent about it, so thank you for listening.